The StassiNet

Audio transmission log from UNSC Lieutenant Stassi
Stream recorded 05/26/2553
New Mombassa Station

[BEGIN TRANSMISSION]

loud, intentional coughing
"Is this thing on? Can you guys hear me?"

ruffling noises, followed by tapping
"I hate these damn things. Couldn't they issue me a helmet with a working radio to go along with my billion dollar suit?"

"Ahem. This is Lieutenant Stassi of the UNSC Rear Guard reporting live from the hottest zombie-infested hellhole on Earth. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere protecting the last remaining asses of humanity. Still nobody hears me. One sec."

"This morning our battalion came under attack by a large invading force of aggressive creatures wielding powerful energy weapons. The New Mombassa station was alerted and all able hands headed off to fight the insurgents. However, the enemy numbers were near-limitless and each UNSC life claimed returned shortly after as a reanimated minion controlled by forces unknown."

"Last night I was away from duty with my men, and we had a few drinks. We attempted to return to the bunks but it was easier to make our beds on the floor of the local bar. That was to our benefit, it seems, as we are now the only living survivors of the entire battalion and have avoided reprimand from our superiors. Oh shi..."

bursts of gunfire followed by blaring static

panting
"Just took down Gunnery Sergeant Adams. Despite blowing off a few of his limbs he was holding his own until I bashed his skull in with my fist."

"...ret....ing to the pipes..."

"The rest of them have taken over our equipment at the beachfront and are advancing uphill in waves. Shouldn't be long until civilian ships notice our distress beacon and send evac if there's anybody left..."

"They found us. Snipes got his suit cut up but he took one out. Only took a shotgun blast to the torso and a grenade. I'm glad I let him take point."

"Feeling kind of crowded in this pipe now that AK is behind me."

"Chad's transponder went dead. He was on recon duty near the beach. Sounds like he got too close."

"More zombies showing up on the motion sensor. They're getting too close to the barricade. Snipes put down some suppressing fire but he may have gotten us too much attention."

"The barricade is overrun and Tristin has dropped off the radar."

"Brask took his own life with his last bullet. Smart man. Still sandwiched in the pipes. Now we have to worry about them entering the pipes from behind since they're in the base..."

indistinct yelling, static, profanity
"...here! They're here! Fucking AK, he's dead! Chr...st on a cracker! Die you... ....of sh...."

"We need to get out of here right now. I signaled Snipes to follow me out the back towards the base. I think we have better odds shooting at the barricade choke point than going head to head with the beach zombies. My motion sensor says the sanitation room is still... oh shit, Snipes! Goddamn Brask is back from the dead!"

"Alright, he's dead. Snipes is good with his shotgun, wonder what he'd be like with a sniper rifle. We're pulling the fuck out of these pipes and rallying in the equipment depot."

"Snipes! What the hell are you doing? Snipes! Fucking radio. We're retreating, goddammit! Turn around! He can't hear me."

shotgun blasts are heard echoing through the pipe
"Snipes! Oh shit. Oh shit. Eat lead you fu... .... ....t.... ...mother....."

"I had to blow away Chad... he killed Snipes... I filled him with a deer slug mid-swing but I think he's still following me. I have to get out of here. I can't stay in the pipes. Won't be long before AK and Snipes are after me either. How could this be happening to me? Shit, shit, shit, shit..."

deafening explosion
"Just pitched one of my last two 'nades down the pipe to cover my escape. Think I incinerated Brask. Fucker probably wasn't wearing his hard hat."

"Everyone's dead. I'm all on my own now."

"Alright, finally out of the goddamn pipes. I'm headed straight towards the depot. So far no zombies."

long sigh
"I'm hiding in a very conspicuous area. Won't be long until they find me. I feel like I have a giant red beacon over my head and everyone I used to know wants me dead. This isn't the time for poetry. I'm just... I don't know... fucked. I'm feeling fucked and I know I'm going to die. Will I be punished in the afterlife if I put a bullet through my head? It can't be a worse fate than serving the unholy ranks of the living dead... I just said it again..."

"There's one of the fuckers I just killed jumping around now."

"That's it. I'm tired of running."

"There's a vehicle near the SAM battery in the back. I'm going to gun it... ...enough time... maybe I can kill enough of them to make a difference..."

engine is revving up
"Get out of my way you mindless bastards! Make way for Lieutenant Stassi, the last UNSC officer of New Mombassa! Arc............ite ......per, hoooooooooooo!"

groaning zombies are heard being crushed underneath the vehicle, windshield wipers are squeaking rhythmically
"There's a whole bunch of them pouring through the barricade! Too bad, because now they're about to have their rotten intestines spilled all over my windshield, hahahaha!"

more crunching followed by a loud crash and the fading of the vehicle engine
"Ow... didn't see the wall behind him... can't feel my face... must keep moving..."

loud crackling energy
"He took a swing at me... barely hopped off in time. How do you like it when I'm the jumping one, huh?"

"Now I have you right where I want you. No one's going to take me alive. Enjoy your flight, motherfucker."

crazed, maniacal laughter
"HAHAHA! Come get some! I'll be here all week!"

[END TRANSMISSION]

Coroner's Examination: UNSC Lieutenant Stassi appears to have had a rare genetic immunity to the virus, but succumbed to extreme liver failure during a post-collision concussion. After a complete autopsy his body will be returned to his country of... what was that noise?
OH SHIT HE'S AFTER MY PEPSI !!