The StassiNet

Today I woke up and started browsing Google News only to find, to my dismay, that my entire life will be of zero consequence when I am incinerated in a nuclear holocaust on June 12th along with my friends, family, and material possessions unless I join a trailer park sect owned by a Texan with thirty wives named Yisrayl Hawkins. God dammit.

"Shortly after Yisrayl Hawkins announced the prophecy about nuclear war starting September 12, 2006 on YouTube.com, YouTube's servers unexpectedly shut down for several hours." - excerpt from yisraylhawkins.com

If YouTube's servers go down for any reason you know it's serious business! Other article titles of Overseer Yisrayl "Buffalo Bill" Hawkins include (in chronological order): "For Salvation You Must Seek The House Of Yahweh", "They May Try To Stop Me, But My Mind Is Made Up, So I Am Going Forward", "More Scientists Admitting Sin Is The Cause Of Today’s Curses", "More Proof--The Nuclear Baby Started September 12, 2006, as Yahweh Prophesied!", "Prophecy Proves It All", "Celebrating the Holidays is the Mark of the Beast", "Time is Running Out!", "You Need To Know We Are Persecuted But Not Forsaken", "To Inherit The Kingdom Of Yahweh You Must Practice Righteousness", "Mary Worship Changed The Laws Of Yahweh, Bringing Curses To All The Earth", "Help Us Defend Against Religious Persecution", "Obedience", "Persecuted by Propaganda!", "Obedience", "Persecution Through Lying Propaganda And False Accusations", "Persecution Because Of The Last Days’ Warning". I think he said Obedience twice because his followers have loyalty issues and sometimes need reminders.

As you will understand from glancing at Hawkins' website, he is a very holy man who is often persecuted for his beliefs and from the audacity of spreading word of Jenova ...Yahweh's Plan. The guy's just trying to save our asses from nuclear extinction. If he were merely a prophet and not also a brave man, he would have kept Yahweh's Plan to himself and would've just climbed into his nuclear holocaust-proof trailer and locked the doors. But no, he has his thirty wives to consider, as well as his followers and their eight-year-old step-daughter concubines. Bravo, sir, for bringing this to everyone's attention! Salvation is indeed inside our grasp thanks to the information-spreading power of the Internets.

According to ABC News, "hundreds of truck trailers have been loaded with food and water on the group's 44-acre compound" in preparation for, if I understand this correctly, the nuclear holocaust purges all of mankind's civilization of sin, sparing only Abilene, Texas.

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Be sure to bookmark driving directions to the House of Yahweh compound.

If you glance at the location on the Texas map, it's fairly believable that Abilene would in fact be the last city standing if the Hand of Yahweh Almighty guides Satan's nukes away from a direct hit on the center of Texas (especially if you live by the standard belief that the world outside Texas may not, in fact, even exist other than an ocean of flame occupied by liberals and terrorists).

My favorite article from their website, which I saved for last:
"ABC News is censoring its comments to the story calling us a 'Sex Cult' because they can't handle the Truth. Judging from their 'fall lineup', if we were a sex cult, they would be members. They are attacking us because they are extreme left wing liberals who hate our message against pre-marital sex, homosexuality, abortion, and beastiality."
Yeah! Shame on you, ABC News, you unwashed Mary-worshiping doom harbingers !!