Aug
23
2009
Civ4: Adam accidentally becomes a vassal, God smites France
Author: Stassi
My comrades, Holy and Anointed, it was glorious day when Jewish Empire of Japan joined great Union of Christian Televangelist Soviet Republics. In Sid Meyer’s Civilization 4, the concept of vassalage is when one vastly powerful nation (Stassi’s) agrees to pay higher upkeep in order to subsidize a smaller, inferior nation (Adam’s) that is the militaristic dependent of the former. As a result, the vassal state’s population suffers unhappiness while the parent nation’s population gains immense satisfaction. This requires the consent of both parties, which Adam’s prideful Jewish Japanese would normally never agree to.
In other words, Stassi agreed to pay more money to make Adam’s civilization unhappy.
The story:
Throughout the multiplayer game pictured above, Stassi’s empire grew to an enormous size financially backed entirely by an ultra-pervasive theological Christian sect bent on profiteering from the developing world outside of their borders. Ironically, the increased profit allowed Stassi’s fundamentalist Christian civilization to focus on scientific pursuits at an alarming rate of discovery. Stassi would then share each piece of technology and surplus resources with Adam’s Japan (who is Jewish) usually in exchange for nothing.
Adam became so acquainted with accepting resources and technological handouts that he failed to notice Stassi’s offer to “become a vassal state” during a routine diplomatic trade, and promptly accepted. It was a glorious day for all of them, especially Stassi, since his aggressive pursuit of spreading Christianity around the world subsequently left all of his cities undefended by any competent military (other than Second Amendment-spouting SUV drivers armed to the teeth with guns, which are more of a last resort). Adam’s militaristic Japan, now a vassal state of Stassi’s undefended Russia, would solemnly accept the fate of protecting its parent nation using hand-me-down technology and resources in a delicious reversal of roles.
Years later, Adam’s Japan invaded Stassi’s godless, un-Christian neighbor of France, forcing them to retreat far to the barren north, where they learned to adopt Christianity. Regrettably, most of France had already perished under the feet of Adam’s mighty armies before they learned the path to Heaven (as described on Televangelist Worship Channel 26, for pay-per-view StassiVision customers).
It is common knowledge that those who do not know the Christian gospel will suffer eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Hell. My challenge to you, reader, is to explain why Stassi’s Christian deity would create godless nations like France, born into a sinful culture of damnation and idol worship, never knowing the Gift of Salvation without Adam’s army of angry Jews massacring their people. Is Stassi’s Christian god rewarding his profitable dedication with black humour? If life on Earth is so amusingly ironic, can Heaven possibly be any better?
